i hate it when i ask a question and the other party ask me back the same question.
i hate it when i ask you to decide what to eat and you ask me back what do i want to eat.
i hate it when i ask you to decide what you want to do and you ask me back what i want to do.
i hate it when i ask you to make the decision and you say, "huh, why me?"

dislike, dislike, dislike!

i'm not in a bad mood, but just realised how i'm so sick of always making the decision and choice for other people and these ended up being changed to the other preferences. do you get what i mean? everyone has their own preferences, but why do i always have to sieve through the options and shortlist some while these might not be of your choice? at certain times, i'm just so sick of my life. this is one of those moments.

i don't like what some are telling me about "don't care already". my mind is in a whirlpool of millions of thoughts now, no longer under my control. i made up my mind before i'm back, and yet i'm having more than just second or third thoughts. it's all messed up and i'm failing to sort them out.

should i consider that life is short and just do it? should i consider that we shouldn't live with any regrets? is that impulse? is that rash? is that what i should even be contemplating about?

i'm waiting weeks after weeks, slowly losing focus in what i've set out to do. how much longer can i continue living like this?

i reckon, i'm gonna give up on driving this summer. ahh, okay i dont wanna think about it.

k.o.

sometimes i wonder if coming back to sg was good for me. undeniably, i was really excited about homecoming because of my sis's wedding. i thought the before and after would be good, but it's pretty much the same.

to be back with family, to laugh unrestrictedly, to laugh to my heart's content, to be a simple me. that's the life i've been yearning to live for the past 3 months. i guess the reason why i couldn't wait to leave sydney for sg would be that. but now, i can't wait to get back to sydney. i would raise this whenever arguments occur and it's definitely my best bet.

each homecoming brings me different feelings. i hope to say that emo-ing has become an insignificant portion.

why did she have to tell me about things that shouldn't matter anymore? why did her words make me feel so confused and disturbed? who knows what are my dreams trying to tell me? do they even mean anything?

ahh my mind is in a mess like how my hair is usually like. even quiet boy can't help and isn't helping much. he's officially being sacked anyway :( i'm losing all my happy thoughts.

should i make that call? or maybe wait till she's free to advise me further?

i have a love-hate relationship with time.

homecoming has been busy, but not about me. the wedding came and left. it wasn't very excitingly fun that i anticipated it to be, and to add on, i don't feel any difference. maybe the only difference is felt by my sis and bil, that both of them have to change their way of calling the parents. nevertheless, i can't wait for the new house to be ready! i can finally have my own room and design it the way i want it to be.

2nd homecoming, i'm finally used to how "small" my house feels right now. i detest the messiness around, but can't be denied that this is where the ♥ is, therefore there are more things around and in the house.

i am amazingly surprised by myself just a while ago, because i actually went online intending to check train timings. in sydney, we'll usually check train timings before we leave the house so that we don't miss the train. i text my friend about it, and she actually did the same thing last night. hahaha, can we say we are aussie-fied alr?

i'm missing sydney a little, because of the minimal number of items maybe. there isn't much to do in sydney, that is true, but singapore is getting too boring. thankfully, there's still kitty exhibition that i can go to! x) and i'm gonna bring eugene's slr out for a walk! yay! everything is going as planned, and my kids will get their grooming tmr instead of today! yipee!

preparing for my leave, ta!

nothing is going into my head. i keep getting distracted, but i don't know how to get out of it. it's not my toothache that is distracting me. to be honest, i don't know what is distracting me either.

suddenly, i'm feeling very depressed. thoughts flash back to when i first started my sydney experience. why did i make this decision in the first place? i don't want to start regretting my decision right now, just because i have an exam tomorrow. my depression starts from locking myself in my little room. it will be like this for the next few semester onwards, where i'll be staying with strangers who knows nothing about me. i guess i have to get used to this solitude and hope that it works for me.

i should feel better after crying it out. i miss looking at apple and carrying her. even though it's just another nine days more, i really cannot wait to be back.

my mood swings are getting from bad to worse. thankfully it only affects me and myself. i think staying at home for so many days is killing me. even though i went out to buy some groceries just now, that wasn't enough me-time. my little brother is teaching me how to relax and he suggested that i go to bed.

i just need someone to talk to me for 5 mins. i'm about to explode.

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Everyday I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you

And there's no mountain too high no river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day
Oh come what may, come what may
I will love you

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place...

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day


===================================================

i've been awake for more than an hour already (it's unearthly 5.19am now), but i haven't started revising at all. i have about an hour before i start hearing noise and stomping footsteps, it's just not enough. i'm surprised that i'm not feeling drained at all, but maybe i would laters.

i think i've been too thick, it backfired. i've permanently lost a new friend, making me life meaningless at this point in time. i just can't wait for holidays to come, or even next semester.

i just cannot wait for tuesday to come, then it'll be two heavy paper done and over with. then comes thurs day out! and hopefully auntie needs people for friday or saturday because i'm yearning to work. i don't want my work day to clash with his anymore, because i'm so scared that i'll lose my thickness and start being introvert. blah. the first two weeks of my partnership was the best, but now..

back to econs! i can do it.

i'm in this huge dilemma again :( but heck for the moment. i'll just enrol into my modules and see what happens. bless me.

recently, i find myself increasing irrational in the way i handle myself. i'm also becoming increasingly lazy towards my academic issues that i promised to improve. am i being too smart for myself? (of course, this is in a bad way).

nowadays, i couldn't care less about the boys in my house and the things that they enjoy doing. sometimes i just wish that both of them would just go out and do whatever they love, just leave the entire house to me. the part about myself i know is that, i am a huge big fat chatterbox. but if it were meant to be in a house with this other person who wouldn't talk to me, sometimes i wish i'll rather be alone. a secret (well no longer) to let go, i haven't spoke to one guy for like... a week or so? but it doesn't bother me at all and i hope i don't sound contradicting. i really hate this house relationship that sometimes i wish i can quickly move out and be all alone by myself. i'm already all prepared to stay with strangers and lead my own life.

sometimes i wouldn't mind sharing what i've heard or have been doing. but if someone has to try to pry my words out of my mouth, i wish you could just stop doing that. demanding to know more from me when i tried to ask and you-just-wouldnt-tell, is it me or you?

i am (U) now. i don't have intentions or ulterior motive getting to know you, but a tad thick-skinned to attempt my try at making friends. maybe it backfired. i reckon it did that is why you're ignoring me :(

fellow friend majoring in psychology is so good at face reading, but she might be wrong at saying that boys are easier to understand than girls. so what if boys have a nothing box and girls are always thinking? i reckon it's the thinking that differs girls and boys, which is why girls are more mature than boys of the same age. agree, agree?

my dejected (U) might be retracting my decision to go hongkong. maybe my superficial friendship with you is not enough to hire you as my tour guide. sigh, maybe i should tag along to japan with paul. and, if i do change my mind about hongkong, i can leave sg earlier for sydney in search of my faithful little room of my own. oh wait, but sydney is my (U) place. arghhh, damn it.

i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned, i need to be thick skinned.

okay i will be thick skinned, before i really start hating boys and guys and men and turn cranky.

revision is failing, i haven't started a single shit (can you even count shit?)!

i'm still working on an assignment due this friday. who the hell sets deadlines during study vacation (aka stuvac)!? i really dislike how my course is structured, especially agec. i wonder if he's given free hand to plan all these.

anyway, i'm just looking forward to thurs, and it's coming soon! i just love work so much, i can't wait to get out of the house.

9th: Economics
10th: Accounting
12th: Econometrics
16th: Agricultural Economics.
17th: Changi Airport!

woots! i'm just waiting for 10th to be over, because that's when i'm half done with nonsense heavy papers.

good luck for exams!

xx.

edit at 8.04pm



the cactus is so cute! and it's freaking hot today.

i feel unhealthy - fat and a possibility of diabetes.

the other day i bought a dress from my shop, tried out it "eh, it fits nice". after dinner at home, i tried it again. oh my goodness, i couldn't zip it up at all :( i feel really fat, like my jeans became so tight and my sizes just have to keep going up and up. bye bye to 25" and 26" :(

despite the looming chance of diabetes, i am actually very glad for it. i am really thankful that i'm working at this shop now, because it's making me a happier person. i am so in love with candies :D

and i'm seriously wondering how hongkong peeps are so damn white. despite playing an outdoor sport, both of them still remain so white and seriously, they might even sparkle like edward cullen if they go under the sun. damn, i really want their whiteness :)

sometimes it's just fate, like how this pair of housemates is making me a happier person than my pair of housemates. despite losing a good pair of housemates, i'm getting more out of working and knowing this new pair of housemates (not mine though). anyway, i've officially announced my split from the duo and i'll be in search of my own rented room when next semester comes. loe and behold should the rent be more expensive, i'll take whatever it comes. i know that at least if i split up from the duo, i wouldn't have to wake up to gross laughters and huge stomping footsteps. i'll be happier me :)

my motivation comes from candies and i'm so gonna plan a hk trip :D i love candies, yay!

i've just deleted a whole load of crap that i just typed, ahh.

i just want to type about something, but i really don't want to sound like a paranoid and emo kid.

i should just sleep early, wake up early to do my work and set off for work. it's finally saturday! i've been waiting for the entire week just for today! and it's all because i've got work later :D

i went out earlier and it was so fun just eating and chatting, even though there was only two of us. i just love having small meetups, rather than big gatherings. but nonetheless, i still want big gatherings with fourcourage! i've been talking to wangwang heaps recently, so much more than when we were both in singapore. i guess it's all thanks to free-text-free-calls for virginmobile users :D i want to meet with so many people when i get back and i will definitely make sure that i won't miss out anyone, if not i'll come back to sydney in tears yet and again. i really can't wait to be back, to be involved in so many activities :)

before all that, exams first. they start on the 9th nov, just two days after mom's birthday. first time i won't be around to celebrate mom's birthday, sigh. but anyway! i end on the 16th and will take my 1st step onto changi on 17th night! wooh! i cannot wait to experience a new form of travel - transit at melbourne for 2 hours! okay, two hours is totally not enough for me to tour melbourne and i reckon all states and countries in australia are the same, but but.. i hope i get to experience something and attempt to rush around like a maddie trying to catch a plane! hahahahaha, sounds like tv drama x)

i'm all excited for work, so off to bed i go! ~~

i've been asking myself if the problem lies with me, or is it the difference in gender? i cannot admit more that there are some things about me that have to be improved, but is it just me alone?

i cannot be more firm than now, about my decision to move out. i realised that it's not being alone that scares me, it's being at home with someone who isn't willing to speak with you that scares me more. it's okay to be home alone, as i always do, because if i need someone to talk to, i could easily phone someone and chat to my heart's content. but with someone at home who doesn't want to talk to you, even if i want to phone someone or skype with someone, i'll always be concerned if i was talking too loudly since the walls are relatively thin. i don't want to end up disturbing people, pissing people off with my "loud" conversations and end up getting a black face thrown at me.

you freaking hell is the push to my decision!

i wish i could tell him straight in the face, like confront and ask him where the hell have i irritated him.

i'm starting to detest guys, really. it's like all the guys in the world is against me and this includes my effed up groupmate for my stats project. i'll tell the story..

i was talking to my friend V about the stats project (she isn't in my group) and she's really nice about it when she knows that i was having problems with my part of the assignment, because i haven't gotten my groupmate M's part to complete mine. there are like 5 questions in total and i'm supposed to do 4, where M is supposed to do 3. i seriously needed M's answers to complete mine, so the night before yesternight, i texted him and asked if he was done with it and if he could send it to me. M replied hours later and said he's just got a bit left to do and he'll mail it to me by yesterday. i waited the entire day for it and did not even close my inbox at all. i was chatting with V about it and she said that M asked her for his answers, and so she mailed it to him at 9.30pm. V also sent me her answers, cos i needed help and she was worried that M would copy the entire thing without editing. if it really did happen, the two groups will land into trouble for plagarism, which is a straight ZERO for our assignment. i waited for M's email, but it never came. sseeing that it's almost 12 midnight, i text him at 11+ and asked if he's done with it. shortly, i received an email from M which contains 2 documents - one with the "original" as it's title. M said that the one he named "original" is his original work and the other doc is his friend. so i opened up the "original" copy and to my shock and amusement, it turned out to be V's copy which i already had a look at.

this is so damn hilarious. after which at past 12am, i receive a text from M that he already emailed me in the afternoon and asked if i got that, but he'll email me again.

clearly, he's trying to lie his way through and has failed terribly.

moral of the story - guys don't necessarily speak the truth. period.

maybe after all, there isn't a problem with me.

i love the season now. the weather is nice, cooling and not too warm. i'm happy to announce, spring is here! :D



spot the purple flowers! it's nearly everywhere! there's this corner in the uni quadrangle filled with this purple flowers, and omg it was really beautiful! i could have taken a shot of it, if not for visitors taking tourists shots.

on a side note, i'm so glad and relieved that i found a solution to my troubling house issues. it gets on my nerves for something to be constantly on my mind, and how dreadful procrastination overcomes my mind. it's a paradox, i knowww :(

i cannot wait for exams to come and go. despite the fact that i'm not ready for exams at all, i have a clear mind of what i have to do now. i just need to get down to doing things and stop all that procrastination. is there a course on how to stop procrastination? i reckon i really need to sign up for it. or rather, i could hire someone to slap me whenever i procrastinate. i hope there isn't any takers.

home sweet home pretty soon :) i can't wait to be back and help sis prepare for her big day and dressing up! :D i'm planning for a trip to bangkok (hooray to cheap contact lens) and hongkong too! i really really want to go hongkong, but i guess i won't be able to find any company at all :( kinda hate it when everything clashes.

need to start redo-ing my stats group project. so dreadful that even though tasks are delegated, i've to take the effort to redo all of them :(

i wanna type, i wanna type, i just wanna type!

i've been feeling moody lately, or maybe just recently with all the issues creeping up to me. i've been trying to make this big fat decision, that's gonna totally my lifestyle and some friendships.

should i move out?

i don't want to make a rash decision, based on what has happened recently. the big hoo-has are over, right now it's serious matter. sis is encouraging me to move out, i am keen as well. but i'm worried whether i can cope life by myself and can only talk to nobody but myself in a room. basically, i reckon i can do that because i lock myself in my room these days. where did oh-so-sociable jasmine go to?

ahh, why am i thinking so much again! i should just take things as they come and stop being a wort.

i suppose my mood totally changed when auntie called me earlier and said i don't have to work on weds. damn it, so now i have two free weekdays at home :( but this means i'm working on sat with ec! :D wait, so is that sadness or happiness? ahh, bother.

okay this post so nothing with substance, damn it.

i just want to shout out loud, i am oh so damn uncomfortable with any form of gayness in my current house. move move moveeeeeeee! :(

what an unexpected day off at home.

when i get a day off (which happens like twice a week not inclusive on weekends), i usually sleep my mornings off to make things worthwhile. but today, it was unexpected because i woke up at 9-ish as oppose to one or two in the afternoon. i think i dread the feeling of staying home already. it all started ever since i started working, i reckon. staying at home is definitely the last thing i wanna do on a weekday, but given that, i don't have a choice because no one was for me going out.

i have a goodie bag awaiting for me at hilton sydney, which is opposite the shop that i'm working at. i have today (thurs) and tomorrow (fri) to go collect it and not having to work on thursdays, is totally making me sad and depressed. apart from not earning money, i miss the chance of working with my new-made friend. okay, i've recently made several new friends at work, but this one is of certain personal importance to me. haha, what a joke. anyway, i've declared my new-made friend my new eyecandy :)

i reckon the concept of an eyecandy is dying away, like nobody talks about eyecandies or ecs these days. do they still do that? well, i had a fair number of ecs in saint andrews days, where three of them are just my fellow juniors. they're not exceptionally good looking or what, but i guess the concept of ecs is just to make you get high and excited over, nothing. seriously, what can an ec do anyway?

how superficial is this concept of ecs, really. as much as i know i shouldn't be indulging in such ways to get me interested in life all over again, having an ec is definitely making me look forward to an interesting life. aside to that, can ecs be of someone you know? but i'm gonna heck it anyway, since i made my colleague my ec.

i don't wanna talk much about him, because he's just like any ordinary guy on the street. as per all my other ecs, he's just a simple guy who looks like a nerd with thick frames but is not nerd at all. ahh, bother. i've been on the line thinking if i should waste 25cents to text him knowing that he might or might not reply. i'm just not someone to wait for things to happen.

i'm staying at home anyway, even though baobei suggested that i drop by nearing to off-work-time and see if he wanted to have dinner together. hahaha, that was super cheesy. he doesn't have dinner at home anyway, just oh because he can't cook. okay, i'm leaking too much about him. shhh.

i shall be good and stay home to do my assignments. home coming i am, woooooh~
arrival on 17th Nov at changi, coolios! x)

these days, i just don't think of you anymore.
perhaps i've chosen the route to let it die away slowly, like subconciously.
nonetheless, i still want to remember my journey of holding onto you and slowly letting you go.
i will definitely accomplish what i set out to complete, sheer determination to finish off what had ended way back.
maybe, not as hopeful as i was before.

i've decided, maybe i'll drop ec a text later! haha, taa!

other than the difference in stress level, the other difference between sg uni and my uni is that, my lecturers are so damn lame.

i was working on my accounting learning module and boy, even though it got on my nerves in the beginning, it became oh-so-damn fun.



i don't know if i'm infringing into property rights by print screening and putting this up, so i'll just make it as small as possible but still seen-able. it looks so difficult and an impossible task! but i've finished it anyway, and got my full 1.25%. i worked on it for like, two hours and the maximum i could get is 1.25%. so lame.



okay la, it's seriously not funny but i'm just too bored.

that's all folks.

i just want to say, i just want to say, i just want to say...

I AM SICK.

omg, i so feel like dying (okay i know i love sprouting garbage), but seriously, this is killing me. i caught some bug, started with sore throat, then cough. and now my stomach is feeling queasy. i finished an apple earlier, it kinda made me better. but now, the gross feeling is back again.

gross. gross. gross. i hope this isn't swine.

apparently, many people are falling sick. one of my customers told me that. my expensive honey made my throat better, but this isn't working on my weak stomach. i hate my weak stomach, really. like now this stage, i can't take the bread or cereal and i think i need to live on porridge.

i want my mommy.

"Never cry for someone who will never cry for you".

it's vice versa.

i'm contemplating on getting tumblr, but i've no idea how it works at all.

today when i skipped half of my workshop for home, i had so much energy in me to finish up what i planned to do. to research for exchange and to revise for econ.. but when i finally reached home after groceries at strathfield (this mini korean suburb), i came home, packed up the kitchen, took a shower, and poof! my energy was gone. is this procrastination again?

i guess, my procrastination has dipped a little because i realised that i've been fretting over issues that aren't worth my time at all. i've stopped thinking about it and just let it pass. my major issue is making me a worrywart and seriously, why bother?

how superficial friendships in uni are, even with those of whom i meet so often. 突然感觉心寒，但又能怎样呢？sometimes i wonder if i'm the source of all my problems, like how sometimes i can't get along with one of my housemate because of me. seriously, why do i even bother about all these right now! argh *(&@%)_@0@!(*&$@) i remember there used to be this cliche quote about friendship. "friends walk in when everyone walks out". how exactly true is this, really. i should really be working on my econ, because i've been skipping majority of my lectures :( i've been a bad student this semester, skipping lessons at every opportunity.


i found this song in my playlist one fine day and i really like how the crash bring out the climax to the next verse. she's awesome! makes me miss percussion so damn much :( time to hit econ!

the big fat procrastinator is back! with all the time wasted and weekend already reaching, i cannot describe how disappointed i am in myself. realistically, i'm supposed to exercise more self control and discipline after the mid semester break, but alas!

i had so much i want to write about, but drowsiness is overcoming me (ah that sound so awkward). another time maybe.

xoxo.

oh! i forgot.

i'm never gonna have a good mooncakes till i graduate from usyd, never ever :( okay well, ytd's taro wasn't that bad and some others! but hey! they are so damn expensive here! like one bing pi is freaking $4-9! definitely, i'm talking about the good quality ones. and one of those baked lotus paste mooncake cost like 5bucks for one big one.

seriously, like fml man (pardon my recent outburst of f languages. i only type them, i swear). i miss the raffles hotel liqueur mooncakes and those awesome haagen daz icecream mooncakes! never can i eat them anymore until i graduate. argh argh argh. i'll post some photos in a bit, need to grab some stuff to fill my empty tummy.

sometimes, i really hate him. maybe hate is too strong a word to describe the situation now, but i really hate him. maybe my sydney life should include more people than to have it just around my housemate. i think i need to get out of this house, like right now.

i've always been thinking, should i move out or should i just carry on being in this shit. i really want to move out, because i'm not appreciated in this house and it doesn't make a difference if i'm not in the house. come to think about it, when bw isn't home, sometimes i feel more relax because i wouldn't hear him doing his laughter, joking around with yh. this is the impact of bw on me. when yh isn't home, the house is awkwardly quiet and sometimes you hear bw's phone beeping away with texts (maybe i'm being an ass here). this is the impact yh have on me. but when i'm not home, i don't know what is the impact of my disappearance on them. well, i did try before on sunday night but i didn't think that it was a big issue. maybe i should put my case in a different situation. when all three of us are home, when i stay in my room with my door closed watching shows, both of them would be laughing away in either one's room and as time passes, you'll find one in the bed of the other napping away. well, maybe i'm being a pain in the ass.

i need an escape, i really need one. i don't want to end up getting pissed at every single thing that comes in comparison. i need cong to scold me and agitate me so that i can have the determination to move out. cong, where are you nine hours away from me!! sigh.

i know i will miss the friendships that were made in this house. i know i will miss the bonds that were forged in this house. i know i will miss the habits that i'm aware of in this house. this isn't much about letting go actually. this is whether i have the willingness to step out of my comfort zone and push forth for something by myself. can i really do it?